It's funny how we go through life terrified of change. When we find a routine that works for us, and our lives are flowing along smoothly, we cling to that way of life long after it stops fitting who we are. The question then becomes, why are we so afraid of change? What is it we think we're going to discover?
What's really going to happen if we decide to let go and freefall?
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's easy for me to talk about change when it's not my life that's going to be rocked. I know how it feels to be terrified that the bottom's all going to drop out. I was a 17 year old single parent, a 24 year old contractor trying to make a living writing, of all things. I took the leap not because it was best for me but because it was what was best for the people I loved, and while there were some tough years in there I still managed to come out on top. So will you.
The greatest events of our history have taken place when someone finally gathered up the nerve to just take the plunge and let go. When we finally said, "I've had enough of this" and put it all on the line. Sooner or later, we get where we need to be. Hold on to that truth, and it won't be long before you're on your way to the life you've always dreamed.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Unfulfilled dreams, or future goals?
My youngest brought his pre-school graduation pictures home today. I have to admit to a touch of nostalgia as I remember doing this with Chelsea's class two years ago. The move up to Kindergarten. My kids really are growing up, and all I can do is stand and stare as it happens. Next year I'll have a Kindergartener, a second grader and a fourth grader, and I have to admit-it's weird. It leaves me wondering what I'm going to do with an entire house to myself all day!
The click of keys from the back bedroom reminding me I'm never alone, and the steadily growing pile outside my laundry room reminding me a mother of three has plenty to do, answers that question pretty efficiently!
Garrett starting school isn't the only milestone we're going to reach next year. I'm less than a year away from my B.A. in Marketing and Public Relations. I'm still freelancing-in fact, I just brought on a new client, an article writing company in California. It's kind of weird to look around and realize I've got everything and nothing I've ever wanted. I have a home, a family, a wonderful husband who loves me, even if he doesn't really get me, a job I enjoy most of the time when I'm not drowning under my to-do list and the degree I've always wanted only a hands-breadth away.
On the other hand, I haven't played music in years, and I live in a house that's painfully empty of it. I write, but I haven't taken the time or effort to get my own stuff published. I've started three different books, have some great ideas, I just need to get around to finishing them. I feel trapped and yet so free at the same time. I guess the trick for me now is to take this amorphous dissatisfaction and turn it into something good, something solid.
Don't look now boys. I finally started remembering who I am, and it's not the fat, frumpy, often depressed homebody I can be at times. It's time to kick back and have some fun!
The click of keys from the back bedroom reminding me I'm never alone, and the steadily growing pile outside my laundry room reminding me a mother of three has plenty to do, answers that question pretty efficiently!
Garrett starting school isn't the only milestone we're going to reach next year. I'm less than a year away from my B.A. in Marketing and Public Relations. I'm still freelancing-in fact, I just brought on a new client, an article writing company in California. It's kind of weird to look around and realize I've got everything and nothing I've ever wanted. I have a home, a family, a wonderful husband who loves me, even if he doesn't really get me, a job I enjoy most of the time when I'm not drowning under my to-do list and the degree I've always wanted only a hands-breadth away.
On the other hand, I haven't played music in years, and I live in a house that's painfully empty of it. I write, but I haven't taken the time or effort to get my own stuff published. I've started three different books, have some great ideas, I just need to get around to finishing them. I feel trapped and yet so free at the same time. I guess the trick for me now is to take this amorphous dissatisfaction and turn it into something good, something solid.
Don't look now boys. I finally started remembering who I am, and it's not the fat, frumpy, often depressed homebody I can be at times. It's time to kick back and have some fun!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow...
What an absolutely gorgeous day! We finally got to run around outside without our coats on. It was glorious. Who says the sun never shines in NY?
So, overall, it's been a very ordinary day. We missed the bus. Garrett got his pictures taken. I slogged through all the kids' arts and crafts stuff, and you can actually see wall AND carpet in that corner of the room. Did some laundry. Jogged through an episode of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer," which isn't my favorite show but is great for a light pick-me-up first thing in the morning.
Discovered IDump4U.com. If you get a chance, go check out some of their videos. They're amazing.
Grabbed a shower, picked up my books from the library, grabbed Garrett from pre-k, dropped him off at his afternoon pre-k, came home, made myself a yogurt and granola parfait, and called my mother.
Then 12:30 rolled around. Yes, that's right, I managed to do all that before noon. I hadn't really thought about what an accomplishment that was!
Anyway, I started work around 12:45. That didn't go quite so well. I spent half the time answering emails. It's incredibly frustrating when you only have a little bit to do, and you know you only have a little bit to do, and you still can't get it done. I'm 3 articles into a 7 article set, with submission and distribution still looming. But revisions were made on the stupid newsletter I've been working on for weeks, and that should be good to go, thank God.
Picked up Garrett from school, then let him play outside until Alex and Chelsea were done. He played with his friend Liam for a while, until Liam had a melt-down and his mom made him leave. I keep offering to take him off her hands, but she's not buying. I don't know if she's uncomfortable with me b/c he got hurt playing with Alex in the yard last time or if she's just like that. I feel kind of bad that she keeps coming over here with him. It's not that I mind the company-I really like her-but I know half the fun of playdates is getting to get rid of your kids for a little while!
Anyway...
So, I grabbed Alex and Chelsea and we went to the store for Easter party stuff. 4 bags of cookies and who knows how many containers of cupcakes later, we were geared up and ready to go. Ran into Dad in the parking lot. Still not quite used to bumping into him at the grocery store after all those years of barely seeing each other. And the library. And the bookstore. Thanks small towns!
We get back home, we do some homework. Alex pounds out his math homework while Chelsea rolls through her spelling words. Then I kicked the kids outside.
Now, the smart thing to do would have been to get some work done here, but let's face it. Who can work at 4:00 when it's sunny and the kids are outside? I did manage to be somewhat productive-I read my chapter for school and made hard boiled eggs-but I still have a pile of stuff to knock out tonight.
Fortunately, I'm actually caught up on work for once. It's a good feeling. If I can crack down on Saturday I might even be able to have work and homework caught up while the kids are on break so I only have to put in an hour or two a day. We'll see how that works out.
So, we made dinner, the kids cleaned up outside. Pancakes and pork chops were enjoyed by all (yes, I know, I'm from down South-that doesn't seem wierd at all!) while the kids watched "Barbie and the 3 Musketeers". At that point it was time for laundry, bath and bed!
So here I sit, happily blogging and completely procrastinating doing anything productive. There's a cat hoping I'll open the window again so he can try and claw out the screen. One of these days, I might just give in and let him.
Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go!
So, overall, it's been a very ordinary day. We missed the bus. Garrett got his pictures taken. I slogged through all the kids' arts and crafts stuff, and you can actually see wall AND carpet in that corner of the room. Did some laundry. Jogged through an episode of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer," which isn't my favorite show but is great for a light pick-me-up first thing in the morning.
Discovered IDump4U.com. If you get a chance, go check out some of their videos. They're amazing.
Grabbed a shower, picked up my books from the library, grabbed Garrett from pre-k, dropped him off at his afternoon pre-k, came home, made myself a yogurt and granola parfait, and called my mother.
Then 12:30 rolled around. Yes, that's right, I managed to do all that before noon. I hadn't really thought about what an accomplishment that was!
Anyway, I started work around 12:45. That didn't go quite so well. I spent half the time answering emails. It's incredibly frustrating when you only have a little bit to do, and you know you only have a little bit to do, and you still can't get it done. I'm 3 articles into a 7 article set, with submission and distribution still looming. But revisions were made on the stupid newsletter I've been working on for weeks, and that should be good to go, thank God.
Picked up Garrett from school, then let him play outside until Alex and Chelsea were done. He played with his friend Liam for a while, until Liam had a melt-down and his mom made him leave. I keep offering to take him off her hands, but she's not buying. I don't know if she's uncomfortable with me b/c he got hurt playing with Alex in the yard last time or if she's just like that. I feel kind of bad that she keeps coming over here with him. It's not that I mind the company-I really like her-but I know half the fun of playdates is getting to get rid of your kids for a little while!
Anyway...
So, I grabbed Alex and Chelsea and we went to the store for Easter party stuff. 4 bags of cookies and who knows how many containers of cupcakes later, we were geared up and ready to go. Ran into Dad in the parking lot. Still not quite used to bumping into him at the grocery store after all those years of barely seeing each other. And the library. And the bookstore. Thanks small towns!
We get back home, we do some homework. Alex pounds out his math homework while Chelsea rolls through her spelling words. Then I kicked the kids outside.
Now, the smart thing to do would have been to get some work done here, but let's face it. Who can work at 4:00 when it's sunny and the kids are outside? I did manage to be somewhat productive-I read my chapter for school and made hard boiled eggs-but I still have a pile of stuff to knock out tonight.
Fortunately, I'm actually caught up on work for once. It's a good feeling. If I can crack down on Saturday I might even be able to have work and homework caught up while the kids are on break so I only have to put in an hour or two a day. We'll see how that works out.
So, we made dinner, the kids cleaned up outside. Pancakes and pork chops were enjoyed by all (yes, I know, I'm from down South-that doesn't seem wierd at all!) while the kids watched "Barbie and the 3 Musketeers". At that point it was time for laundry, bath and bed!
So here I sit, happily blogging and completely procrastinating doing anything productive. There's a cat hoping I'll open the window again so he can try and claw out the screen. One of these days, I might just give in and let him.
Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work I go!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Too Tired to Blog
I want to start by saying that I love to blog. I really do. It's a great way to let go of the day's stress, share your story with people who are going to sympathize (like anyone ever reads this anyway) and just generally let go in an atmosphere where people are going to listen without judging you.
That being said, I'm going to take an opportunity to whine. A lot. Do you mind?
The problem is, I'm pooped. It's 11:00pm, and I just got a chance to sit back and relax. It's my own fault. I know it's my own fault. I over-schedule myself like a mug, then wonder why I can't keep my eyes open in the afternoons! With that in mind, I never complain about the mind numbing exhaustion to anyone on the outside. I'm finally getting into a schedule that works, but let me tell ya, it's been rough!
My day starts with packing lunches and putting kids on the bus, followed by a rousing load of laundry and dishes. Then I sit down and check my e-mail and Facebook, followed by an hour of exercise in front of my favorite tv show and a shower. Then I work until 11:30, take my youngest to pre-k, come back, have lunch with the hubby, work until 2:15 and pick up my youngest from pre-k. Then I either help him with his homework or grab him a snack and sneak in another half hour of work until the other two come home.
3:00 to 4:00 are usually spent doing homework, filling out paperwork and chatting with the kids. Then I try to work for another half hour before starting dinner. Then starts the long round of dinner, bath, clean-up and bed, usually followed by another hour or two of work and an hour or two of homework. Then I spend an hour or two (or sometimes 3) watching tv or reading a book and enjoying the first break I've had all day before passing out, getting up and doing it again.
Argh. I feel like I'm back in daycare, with every minute of my day structured for maximum enjoyment! I can understand why Alex resists daily structure as much as he does. It really sucks! And yet, he's a sucker for routine. Now that Sunday morning housework is the norm, he just gets up and gets it done. Bath time comes after dinner, so that's all cool. Yet let me announce a change in routine, and it's all over!
This from the child who doesn't want to go to camp because he doesn't want his summer structured. Go figure.
That being said, I'm going to take an opportunity to whine. A lot. Do you mind?
The problem is, I'm pooped. It's 11:00pm, and I just got a chance to sit back and relax. It's my own fault. I know it's my own fault. I over-schedule myself like a mug, then wonder why I can't keep my eyes open in the afternoons! With that in mind, I never complain about the mind numbing exhaustion to anyone on the outside. I'm finally getting into a schedule that works, but let me tell ya, it's been rough!
My day starts with packing lunches and putting kids on the bus, followed by a rousing load of laundry and dishes. Then I sit down and check my e-mail and Facebook, followed by an hour of exercise in front of my favorite tv show and a shower. Then I work until 11:30, take my youngest to pre-k, come back, have lunch with the hubby, work until 2:15 and pick up my youngest from pre-k. Then I either help him with his homework or grab him a snack and sneak in another half hour of work until the other two come home.
3:00 to 4:00 are usually spent doing homework, filling out paperwork and chatting with the kids. Then I try to work for another half hour before starting dinner. Then starts the long round of dinner, bath, clean-up and bed, usually followed by another hour or two of work and an hour or two of homework. Then I spend an hour or two (or sometimes 3) watching tv or reading a book and enjoying the first break I've had all day before passing out, getting up and doing it again.
Argh. I feel like I'm back in daycare, with every minute of my day structured for maximum enjoyment! I can understand why Alex resists daily structure as much as he does. It really sucks! And yet, he's a sucker for routine. Now that Sunday morning housework is the norm, he just gets up and gets it done. Bath time comes after dinner, so that's all cool. Yet let me announce a change in routine, and it's all over!
This from the child who doesn't want to go to camp because he doesn't want his summer structured. Go figure.
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Frustrations of a 3rd Grader
I know I complained this much about my homework. I'm absolutely sure I did. So shouldn't I have a little more patience with the fact that my third grader is throwing an unholy fit about having to study for a science test? He's driving me crazy!
I've never met a kid who hated homework quite as much as Alex does. It seems like every night is this humongous production designed for the specific purpose of making mom want to tear her hair out at the roots. Between the moping, whining, complaining and firm protestations that he'll never be done, I'm about ready to throttle him!
On the plus side, it's Monday. Wait, that's not a plus. In true Monday fashion, we overslept. I spent the entire day trying to wrap up a project I hd intended to have finished last night, only to find out that all of my hard work was for absolutely nothing because she wanted less than half of what I put on there. Grrrr. Urge...to...throttle...coming...
Anyway. Back to helping kids with homework and making spectacular plans for the waffle gala I've got coming on. Then I have newsletter and PR revisions, a PR to write and a handful of articles to finish before I can curl up with some "Kidnapped" and wish the earth would swallow me whole. Oh, and go rescue my cat, of course. Good grief.
On the plus side, I actually got to tell the cat to stop eating the Washington Monument today with a perfectly straight face. Thanks Snuggles.
I've never met a kid who hated homework quite as much as Alex does. It seems like every night is this humongous production designed for the specific purpose of making mom want to tear her hair out at the roots. Between the moping, whining, complaining and firm protestations that he'll never be done, I'm about ready to throttle him!
On the plus side, it's Monday. Wait, that's not a plus. In true Monday fashion, we overslept. I spent the entire day trying to wrap up a project I hd intended to have finished last night, only to find out that all of my hard work was for absolutely nothing because she wanted less than half of what I put on there. Grrrr. Urge...to...throttle...coming...
Anyway. Back to helping kids with homework and making spectacular plans for the waffle gala I've got coming on. Then I have newsletter and PR revisions, a PR to write and a handful of articles to finish before I can curl up with some "Kidnapped" and wish the earth would swallow me whole. Oh, and go rescue my cat, of course. Good grief.
On the plus side, I actually got to tell the cat to stop eating the Washington Monument today with a perfectly straight face. Thanks Snuggles.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
On how to write a murder
So, I finally did it. Today, I started the research for my very first book. I know, it doesn't sound like much, does it? For me, it's like a breath of freedom. I like ghostwriting, but if I don't start using my own creativity and talent I'm going to slowly wither and die.
Yes, it's melodramatic. I write for a living. Get over it.
What surprises me is how terrified I am to write this book. You, dear reader, will know what I'm talking about. This is the first time I'm going to take that step into the bold nknown on my own. There's no fictional name to hide behind, and if things crash and burn there's nowhere I can hide. It's all me!
So, even though you probably don't care, I'm going to tell you about it anyway. See, I love murder mysteries. I do. I love funny murder mysteries even better, which is probably a statement on my mental health I should really stop ignoring! The thing is, you get funny, or you get murder. That's it. I decided I was going to write a book I wanted to read, with all the dark humor and apathy you'd see surrounding a real murder today! And because I want to take the time to feel clever, I'm going to tell you how I did it.
First, I created a murder. A grisly, gruesome murder motivated by something much deeper than greed and stupidity (because really, if you're going to die anyway wouldn't you rather die in style?). Then I described my characters, right down to the lacy longerie my female detective is going to be sporting in at least one scene. Favorite book? Yep. Movie? Yep. Education? Yep. Got it all.
Now it's research time. Still working on that, because I want it to be good. I have to learn my criminal psych, my police procedure. Can't have my well intentioned detectives taking the wrong path, now can I? When that's done, I'm determined to write at least a page a day until it's finished. I have plenty of time for edits later, it's all about getting from point a to point z (and having a little fun with all the letters in between!).
Dear reader, if you're gearing up to write a book, I say....good on ya! Do it. Don't let fear hold you back. And let me know how it's going! Maybe we can share horror stories when the rejection letters come pouring in-because really, even well published ghostwriters like me have to get at least one on their first book. It's expected. I don't think I'll feel like I earned my dues without it!
Yes, it's melodramatic. I write for a living. Get over it.
What surprises me is how terrified I am to write this book. You, dear reader, will know what I'm talking about. This is the first time I'm going to take that step into the bold nknown on my own. There's no fictional name to hide behind, and if things crash and burn there's nowhere I can hide. It's all me!
So, even though you probably don't care, I'm going to tell you about it anyway. See, I love murder mysteries. I do. I love funny murder mysteries even better, which is probably a statement on my mental health I should really stop ignoring! The thing is, you get funny, or you get murder. That's it. I decided I was going to write a book I wanted to read, with all the dark humor and apathy you'd see surrounding a real murder today! And because I want to take the time to feel clever, I'm going to tell you how I did it.
First, I created a murder. A grisly, gruesome murder motivated by something much deeper than greed and stupidity (because really, if you're going to die anyway wouldn't you rather die in style?). Then I described my characters, right down to the lacy longerie my female detective is going to be sporting in at least one scene. Favorite book? Yep. Movie? Yep. Education? Yep. Got it all.
Now it's research time. Still working on that, because I want it to be good. I have to learn my criminal psych, my police procedure. Can't have my well intentioned detectives taking the wrong path, now can I? When that's done, I'm determined to write at least a page a day until it's finished. I have plenty of time for edits later, it's all about getting from point a to point z (and having a little fun with all the letters in between!).
Dear reader, if you're gearing up to write a book, I say....good on ya! Do it. Don't let fear hold you back. And let me know how it's going! Maybe we can share horror stories when the rejection letters come pouring in-because really, even well published ghostwriters like me have to get at least one on their first book. It's expected. I don't think I'll feel like I earned my dues without it!
Monday, December 7, 2009
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